5 Pax aligned on a clear starry morn in a workout fitting of the celestial wonders that inhabit the great expanse above…despite Maneaters unfortunate demise.


20 Side Straddle Hops (ic), 20 Imperial Walkers (ic), 20 Hillbillies (ic), Runner Stretches

The Thang

Depending on the physical characteristics of the pax, each identified as a planet. For example, if a pax has a rotating cowlick on their head that resembles the red spot on Jupiter, they would declare themselves Jupiter. A pax with a disk of gas revolving around their groin area would be Saturn. The pax unanimously agreed that Norwood would make an excellent Uranus. He didn’t understand why but was happy oblige.

Partner Parking Lot Orbits 

In the parking lot, Jupiters began running at maximum speed while Saturns commenced with high knees. When Jupiter aligned with Saturn, they switched tasks. They continued with the same routine but alternated to karaoke and butt kickers. The pax suggested that Norwood run in tight circles because “this is what Uranus would do”. He didn’t quite comprehend the connection but promised to brush up on his astrology after the workout. Uncharacteristically, Maneater begin showing signs of waning brightness but the pax weren’t too concerned.

Partner Track Opposite Orbits

With Jupiters running at maximum speed in one direction, and Saturns in the other at a mosey pace, they switched paces upon passing one another. Norwood stayed down in the parking lot, running in tight circles contemplating the meaning of Uranus. Maneater seemed a little unstable but the pax brushed it off as gravitational lensing or something similar.


20 American Hammers ic


The exhausted pax and a dizzy Norwood convened for typical post workout mumble chatter as Manheaters strange behavior continued. The pax became concerned when he began quivering and blasting spurts of radiation from his core. Then, perhaps as a result of burning an excess of hydrogen or because of a hearty oat bran breakfast, he suddenly ballooned to enormous proportions, engulfing the entirety of Kernodle Middle School and surrounding campus. The pax ran for cover as they suspected what would happen next.

After a few moments of existence as a Red Giant that would make Beetlejuice jealous Maneater was unable to sustain nuclear fusion and promptly collapsed, expelled gas like a quasar, exploded into an awe inspiring super nova, and collapsed again into a black hole, where he remains. Kernodle middle school faculty and staff who stray too closely to his event horizon are spaghettified, and devoured with no chance of escape.

Despite the current horror on full display, we are proud that he has lived up to his name as Maneater and recognize that the passing events are neither good nor bad. Such is the way of the universe.


Maneater, Longtime, Jingles, Bobby Night, Norwood (Q)


Thank You,